Terminally ill

May 7, 2016

Hassan and I have been friends for ever. We have grown, fought and laughed together. These are the streets where we rode our first bikes. Those are the shops from where we bought our first candies. A lot of time has gone by. We went to different colleges and our jobs took us to different cities. But we never lost touch. Whenever we got a chance to meet up we did. Distances have only made our friendship stronger. Miles indeed have made journeys ever so more worth looking forward to.
All of it has changed since last summer, a dark gloomy mist seems to have settled in. Our houses are 4 blocks apart. But now it’s a tough walk. Toughest sometimes. Disease changes people. I remember when he first fainted right in front of me, i got scared but then as usual made fun of him later that he could not take the sun anymore. As these incidences grew more frequent we all got worried. The diagnosis was heart breaking, i will never forget the blank eyes that had a million questions when the doctor told him. What next, how much time, is there any hope, what about the new car i just bought last month, should I sell it, perhaps i should quit my job, live it out here?. I did not know what to tell him. No one spoke a word on the way back home. Uncle dropped the key twice while opening the door. Didn’t say anything just got his arm around Hassan’s shoulder and patted. Almost saying, you be strong son, we are in this together. Aunty wiped her tears quickly and said should I get some tea for everyone. I saw uncle and aunty sharing a silent long look, one reassuring the other, he nodded after she asked again. Tea didn’t taste the same, it never did ever since.
We all visit Hassan often now, try to take his mind off it, try to be as normal as we could. Sometimes i even manage to make him laugh. He has always enjoyed life and lived it fully but now he seems to treasure the moments even more. All three of them go for long walks now, uncle has started finding time for movies and anuty recently bought another cookbook. Hassan’s loves a good movie with a tasty meal.Tragedy brings us all so close. Nobody gets worried about the future any more, they all seem to take each day in stride. We play cards, tell stories from work and have dinners together. We are trying to fill as much life as we can in every passing day.
It is strange how quickly we forget that we are also not going to be here forever. Time is running out for all of us. If that doesn’t make us value the moments nothing can. As i see each one in their family being strong for the others i wonder by does it take a tragedy like Hassans’s for us to do that too. Why do we get lost in daily routines and matters that look so trivial in the face of death. Why do we stop living. Yes their sorrow is immense and their loss is going to be unfathomable, But today they have decided to not worry about it. can’t we too, and yes my friend is terminally ill, but then, aren’t we all.


December 31, 2014

It has been raining for the past 4 days. Roads have turned into rivers and neighborhoods into islands. Dullness of the weather seems to have seeped into day to day life as well. More often than usual I see people gazing blankly outside their windows. Perhaps awaiting a change only to witness the constancy of a gloomy day. People downstairs are having an even tougher time. Their carpets are drenched their patio is all clogged. But strangely they haven’t asked for help nor have we offered any. The silent understanding of apathy is a bit unsettling. Wonder if we have really turned into islands, metaphorically speaking. Things were different when i was a kid. My mother would just go downstairs and talk with them for hours. That sounds weird by todays standard. Talking to people without any reason wasn’t such a big deal then. Listening was enjoyable too and yeah rains weren’t a cause of worry.
The concrete landscape of the city has left no room for absorbing the water. Sure we can travel much faster but have we come any closer I wonder. As I unmindfully turn the pages of this book sipping in my third coffee, I think haven’t we become impervious too. We don’t absorb life any more rather just let it gush passed us. Fast paced life seems to have made everybody impatient. No wonder then, when we are cornered to our rooms like this we grow restless. To top it all the virtual communities have given us a false sense of companionship. Something that vanishes as soon as you go offline. I myself don’t remember when was the last time I sat in my own company, never realizing when solitude became something to dread than savor.
A part of me therefore wishes that this heavy rain washes away with it some of our advancements too. So that we are more connected directly to each other than through wires.  So that when the sky clears, we would remember again what was it like walking together to the near by park. So that we start smiling and waving hands from the windows again. So that next time it rains we wouldn’t get perturbed and lonely rather grow fonder of each other


March 3, 2014

हर मायूस  आँखों को 

आज थोड़ी सी आशा मिल जाये 
थक कर लौटते कदमो को 
थोडा ही सही हौंसला मिल जाये 
हर एक डूबते सपने को 
तिनके का ही सही सहारा मिल जाये 
हर अंधेरी रह को 
ढलते सूरज का सही, कुछ और उजाला मिल जाये 
धूप में चलते हर राही  को 
थोड़ी ही सही, छाया  मिल जाये 
लहरों से लड़ती हर कश्ती को 
दूर ही सही, किनारा मिल जाये 
बरसों से राह तकती आँखों का 
मुश्किल से सही, इंतज़ार का पल कट जाये 
हर रास्ते के भटके को 
थोड़े ही सही, कदमो के कुछ निशां  मिल जाये 
काश की  बढ़ने की चाह में 
आज किसी अपने का साथ न छूटे 
हाँ थोड़ी नाज़ुक ही सही पर
आज उम्मीद की कोई डोर न टूटे 



November 24, 2013

Happiness eludes us all. At times we feel its unduly overrated, while at other times we agree that its carelessly ignored. Either way we seldom lose a craving for it. We often force ourselves into believing that happiness can be attained or derived. But to our surprise it remains ever so fleeting. No relationship, no success, no prize seems abundant enough to ensure a perennial supply of happiness. Invariably it fades, inevitably it reappears. For a time it might seem that there exists a direct correlation with affluence, but very soon along the curve the relationship gets fuzzy and sometimes even inverse. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown! nor is it the case, that getting rid of it, makes the former bearer particularly happy.

No matter how unpoetic it sounds but happiness is more like an adoption. A choice with not necessarily a real or compelling cause but a significant and worthwhile intent and purpose. Simplicity of this view of happiness suddenly puts it within reach and immediately attainable. At any moment in time, at any point in space there are enough reasons to be happy. Power of belief has never had a better use or more direct application.

Feeling good need not always be an effect. In its own right it can just as easily be a benign but effective cause. An initiator of sorts. To demystify happiness is important towards its attainment, to treat it distant in time and/or space doesn’t help. Simply circumventing our own relentless pursuit of unhappiness (for whatever reason) wouldn’t of course make us ecstatic (and thankfully so) but would suffice for reasonable perpetual happiness. It’s here, it’s now!

Satyamev Jayte

May 21, 2012

Finally something useful. Cinema and media in general are often seen as an attempt to escape from reality (along with its cumbersome problems and their unforeseeable solutions) into a neverland where either suddenly everything is beautiful or in most cases turns out that way eventually. This is terribly unrealistic. This is pretty similar to why people do drugs. Escapism even for a little while, seldom helps. But there is another side of this spectrum as well, where the reality is depicted in the crudest form, with utter disregard to hope and lacking even slightest traces of optimism.
Satyamev Jayte takes a different route. A middle path, if u will. An attempt to show society its own reflection, the way it is today, without any attempt to hide or manipulate the truth. Two things happen when we try to be true to ourselves. First we become fearless. Second we try to improve. Both are monumental achievements. It is critical here though that truth be told in a completely non judgmental way. People tend to be good listeners when they are not judged, neither the victims nor those who are culpable.
Indeed the episodes come with some horrifying stories of inhuman behaviour from the most unexpected people. Yes it arouses anger and disgust and leaves a big question mark on where we are taking our collective being. But it also embraces the people who despite being in the most awfully dreadful situations gather the courage to not just change their reality, rather are also brave enough to share their experiences for common good. This is why i consider this attempt as phenomenal.
Its been long since we have used the most widespread medium of communication in a constructive way. To simply sit and talk about problems and figure out what we can do about them. No matter how dark the reality be, its analysis can always be optimistic. I applaud SJ’s  team on their commitment to integrity, and for always ending with positive note. Songs are a wonderful medium of expression in their own right but when tied with such powerful context they can change lives.
If we are not liking what we are seeing in the mirror, the problem isn’t in the image or the mirror, its in us. Accepting the problem is the first step towards finding the solution. The way these problems have persisted though makes me question the way in which we have dealt with them or perhaps depicted them, clearly neither manipulation nor exaggeration of facts has helped. Hopefully this honest effort would. It is tremendously relieving and equally inspiring that in the end as it always has, truth and truth alone prevails.. and thankfully so.

Inner monologue

March 11, 2012

What disgusts you the most


What are you most afraid of

My mind..

What do you fantasize the most

A utopia

What fascinates you the most

Our endless pursuits

Do you value relationships

Not really

Are you proud of it

Not at all

What about feelings

They are superficial

What are we if not our feelings

I would like to believe we are something more .. permanent..

What do you think of this world, is it real

Its a grand idea..

That means.. unreal?

Not necessarily

Are you  a cynic

not yet

I think you are pretty close though


What differentiates life and existence


What is the worst human invention


What is the best ..

Not sure, idea of abstraction i think .. perhaps its not an invention though .. a discovery may be

How significant is doubt

Its quintessential to learning

Is time an illusion


And change?

That too

Is there anything truely analog

No, only quantization varies.

Whats between quantization levels


Is there God?

There has to be

Are there many?

No.. singleton

Why so ..

By definition

Do you believe in God

I think belief comes before God not after..

Given a choice what would you rather do, live or die


Given a choice what would you rather take Solitude or the world


Isn’t it running away from the world

Maybe it is, but its still better than running away from yourself

Is there something beyond thoughts

Ofcourse,  myself

Whats makes human mind simultaneously (and ironically) very dangerous and also very special…

Its constant inner monologue


January 11, 2012

कागज़  की  इन  लकीरों  में  ही  कहीं  खुद  को  ढूँढता  हूँ
इन्ही  में  कभी  ख़ुशी , इन्ही  में  कभी  सुकून  ढूँढता  हूँ

खुदी  के  सवालों  के  शोर  में, थोडा  एकांत  ढूँढता  हूँ
खुदी  ने  बांधीं  जो बेड़ियाँ  हैं, उन्ही  का  छोर  ढूँढता हूँ

जिन्हें  छोड़  आगे  बड़ा , अब  उन्हें  ही  ढूँढता  हूँ
राहों  में  अपने  घर  को , गैरों  में  अपनों  को  ढूँढता  हूँ

ना  जाने  क्यूँ  औरों  की  आँखों  में  अपने  वजूद  को  ढूँढता  हूँ
खुद  में  किसी  और  को , आईने  में  खुद  को  ढूँढता  हूँ

शोर  में  सन्नाटे  को , तनहाई  में  एक  झलक  ढूँढता  हूँ
अपने  ही  कदमो  के  निशानों  में  सफ़र  की  शुरुआत  ढूँढता  हूँ

बहते  हुए  समय  के  कभी  इस  पार  तो  कभी  उस  पार  देखता  हूँ
हर  पल  में  कभी  ख़ुशी  तो  कभी  जीने  की  वजा  ढूँढता  हूँ